A new catchphrase

The new “Catch” was a moment that brought San Francisco 49er tight end Vernon Davis to celebratory tears. With the New Orleans Saints up 32-29 and time running out, Davis cut across the middle of the field, caught the laser pass from Alex Smith and fell into the end zone to give the 49ers a 36-32 lead and the playoff win.

In the post-game interview he said. “I knew I had to step up and make some plays in the game.  We were down and I had to make it happen.”  The reporter then followed up with, “So how did it feel making that catch, miraculous?”

That’s when he said something that really caught my attention. “No, it was just how we rehearsed it.  I caught that pass in practice many times.”  In other words, he put in a lot of work to make it look like a miracle when it counted.

How many times do we look up to athletes and performers and see only the moment of glory and not the work they put in beforehand to make it possible?  The sweat, the repetition, the determination and a lot of dropped balls led to that catch.

If you are chasing a moment of glory in your life, you’ve got to put in the miles.  That’s my new catchphrase. 

How are you rehearsing success?

What goes around

Hey fans, it’s that time of year when we talk about a nation-wide sport that favors the strong and strikes fear into the hearts of the weak.  No, not the NFL playoffs… I’m talking about tetherball, the classic contest of physical agility and hand-eye coordination.  I just watched the scene at the end of Napoleon Dynamite, where he goes high and hard with the ball as the poor girl watches the rope wrap around the metal post.

This “buzz saw” move was not uncommon when I was a kid on the playground. It didn’t help that I was one of the shortest kids, and it was tough for me to jump up and stop it. However, I never took my off the ball because sometimes the trajectory would change or my opponent would mis-hit the ball just enough to allow me to get back into the game.

Do you ever feel like challenges are coming at you at high speed, and life is spinning so fast above your head that you can’t get a handle on it?  You have a choice to keep jumping frantically in the air like a dork, trying to hit the ball or you can stand back and wait for it to calm down a bit before taking your shot.

I don’t see anything wrong with the strategic approach – watching the ball for a few rounds and taking note of how the speed and angle changes.  I try to tackle life challenges the same way – watching, listening and thinking before I react. Sometimes I wait too long and the rope wraps around the pole (game over,) but a few rounds usually don’t hurt me.

See?  Tetherball is just like the NFL… smart defense wins championships and cooler heads prevail under pressure.  And most problems are not solved by frantic over-reaction. Take your shot when you’re ready.

Make your impression

Here I am in the so-called Act II of my life, waking up after intermission to an important realization: I am losing my fear of failing. I still fail a lot, but I’m somehow not letting it stop me from taking on more new things. It’s like I’m intentionally raising the risk that others may criticize or laugh at me but it feels OK. Am I losing my marbles?

As I walk this thin line between crazy and sane, I am reminded of the 19^th century impressionist painters who took risks with their art and left their mark on history because of it. Monet, Cezanne, Renoir and others shed the academic rules of what art should look like, and created vividly different paintings that followed their own vision. They must have been driven by a fire bottled up inside them that needed to come out. It’s almost as if it would be crazy not to do it.

Have you got something burning inside you that needs to come out…to be expressed?  It could be art, music, writing, singing, acting or dancing. Or go beyond the usual “arts” to include speaking, invention, exploration, racing, model-building, jewelry design, coaching or fundraising. I’m not talking about a career change here; just doing something you want to do for the joy of it.  Do it for its own sake with no commercial requirements.

With so much pressure to keep our marbles neatly in the bag all the time, maybe it’s healthy to let a few of them drop and bounce around on the floor occasionally.  Are you ready to take a chance at failing? Are you ready to make your impression?

Letter to my future self

It’s New Year’s Eve, 2012. That’s right, not a typo. You, Mr. Goad, are reading the words you wrote one year ago today. Remember how you sat down by the dried out Christmas tree on a cool, cloudy morning with your Captain America coffee cup? Remember how you only wrote down goals that you could control and measure?

• Achieve excellent performance rating in my job at Cisco
• Raise $4000 for MMRF from book sales
• Give 4 motivational speeches to non-profit organizations
• Feb. 15 – Reach and maintain 163 weight
• Feb. 18 – Climb La Cumbre Peak with son Evan
• Mar. 11 – Run Shamrock’n Sacramento Half Marathon under 2 hours
• May 6 – Finish Delta Century 100-mile bike ride
• Oct. 7 – Run Chicago Marathon under 5 hours with brothers Jeff and Brad

You visualized this as a day of triumph. So… how did you do? Have you been listening to your own advice?

Make a commitment.

Make it public.

Make it happen.

Why bother?

Three years ago I decided to start each new year with goals that challenged me in my career, fitness and spiritual growth.  While I’ve been proud to share the successes, I have NOT reached every goal.  I have fallen short, taken long detours and even reversed direction.  So why continue to write down goals if they are just going to change? It’s fair to ask, “Why bother?”

To me, the thinking process matters more than the checklist list you tack on your bulletin board.  Sitting down to reflect on what you’ve done and planning how to get to the next level is a healthy exercise.  I even deliberate carefully on what I’m NOT going to do as well as what I AM going to do.  Either way, I am not sitting still.

You’ve probably heard that the key to effective goal setting is to make them measurable. For example, saying “I’m going to be healthier in 2012” is not a measurable goal. Saying “I will lose 10 pounds by a certain date” or “I will run a half marathon in under 2 hours” are specific measurable goals. You will know for sure if you do them or not, and when.

Setting spiritual goals is a bit trickier. How do you measure something so abstract? My thought process at the end of this year has brought me to this.  Many times in my life I have set goals for “taking” – earning more money, getting more stuff, etc. This year I’m setting measurable goals for giving … donating time and money that will help improve the lives of others.  I will only make the fundraising goals public.  The rest I will do for their own sake.

As you think about your resolutions or goals for 2012, I challenge you to reserve some space for giving too. If you are unable to give money, give your time.  Every little gift adds up… and that’s why we should bother.

A new low

“A new low” is a negative term for describing behavior, but in golf it is the ultimate goal. Theoretically, the perfect score is 18 (which has certainly only been achieved in miniature golf.) Somewhere along the way the concept of “par” was invented to give average golfers something to feel good about, and terrible golfers like me a reason to keep trying.

When you’re battling multiple myeloma, you go for a new low as well. You want the doctor to report that your KFL (Kappa Free Light number, which measures the presence of myeloma cells) is down from the last visit. Just feeling good about a par score is not enough. You need to get to a normal range of 0 to 2 to truly win this game.

My brother Jeff encourages me to share the story of his battle so that it may inspire others to keep fighting. When he was diagnosed, his KPL number was 1400. He’s been through 2 stem cell transplants, several rounds of chemo and continues to take medication to reach that perfect score. In the last 2 months his number dropped from a plateau of 25, all the way down to 12! By the old standards he is in remission, but he and his doctor want the insurance of 0 to 2.

I asked him what he thinks about to stay in a positive state of mind through all this. He said “First it has been overwhelming to know how many people have been focused on helping me. That makes me not just want to survive, but to go forward and make a difference for others.”

I reassured him that he has already made a difference to me.

He went on, “During my stays in the hospital I saw some people who were in true misery. My treatment was really hard for me too, but I never had a morning when I didn’t want to get out of bed and beat this. I have too many things left to accomplish in my life.”

This was my key take-away from the conversation. What you think about in the midst of a struggle . . . matters. And thinking about more important things will help lift you out of the anxiety and frustrations of day-to-day existence. In short, Jeff has set his expectations high while going for a new low.

It makes me think twice about what I think about.

Let’s see what sticks

When my mom taught me how to cook spaghetti, she showed me one sure way to know when it was done.  You throw a noodle against the wall.  If it sticks, it’s ready. If it falls off, the pot needs to boil more.  This metaphor has worked its way into business brainstorm meetings for good reason.  When you’re searching for a creative new idea, you usually have to throw a bunch of ideas against the wall and see what’s still stuck after the bad ones fall away.

Larry, a Toastmaster friend of mine, asked me how I nourish my creativity.  For me it’s a lot like cooking spaghetti and seeing what sticks.  Creativity is not so much something you learn… it’s a process of letting go.  You force yourself to let go of all the rules, regulations, procedures, processes and guidelines you’ve been indoctrinated with, and then repeatedly ask yourself “Why?”, “Why not?” and What if?”

New ideas will start coming like noodles and you let them fly.  You don’t want to test just one or two, you want to splatter your entire kitchen wall with spaghetti curled into all sorts of cursive shapes spelling out new possibilities.  Don’t judge each noodle or look at it too long before you throw it. Get it up there on the wall first.  Only then can you really start relating the unrelated and testing each new idea for firmness.

Here are 3 practical suggestions for making sure your spaghetti throwing is not prematurely constricted:

• Change your environment. Get out of the office and pick a different place to think, discuss or write.  I get some of my best ideas while running, driving or chilling with my iPad in the park.
• Change who you talk to.  Consult people who are WAY out of your current company, industry or comfort zone… and mix together thinkers, talkers and doers.  This can be done in a conference room, coffee shop or social media discussion thread.
• Change the question.  “Why”, “why not” and “what if” are powerful additives to get more ideas on the wall.  Buy your devil’s advocate friend a beer and let them tear your plan apart. This has been humbling and immensely helpful for me.

Creativity is not reserved solely for professional artists and performers.  If you have ever solved a problem with a fresh perspective, you have demonstrated creativity. Yes… you. The trick is in letting go and letting the spaghetti fly!  Think about that for a moment  – how can you connect dots without allowing yourself to see all the dots first?

How to say no to overeating

Thanksgiving is a time to give thanks, and for some it is a culinary competition.  Your loving relatives serve up heaping helpings of great food… and guilt if you don’t at least try it.  So if you’re trying to watch your weight and NOT overeat this holiday, try these creative ways to say no when it is pushed in front of you. 

Here are my Top 10 suggestions:

1. Your apple pie is indeed a work of art.  So I think I’ll just admire it from a distance.
2. I’d love some more sweet potatoes, but I’m marshmallow intolerant.
3. Yes it DOES smell good, but that doesn’t mean I have to put it in my mouth.
4. More turkey will just set off my narcolepsy, and I have to operate heavy machinery later.
5. There’s just a little bit left so why don’t I finish it off?  I’m afraid it will finish me off.
6. I’m in a 12-step program. (You don’t have to say which one.  Just say 12 steps and they will back off.)
7. Try your green bean casserole?  I’ve already got the top button of my pants undone. You want the zipper down too?
8. With all due respect to Bill Cosby, there’s NOT always room for Jello.
9. I would really like to enjoy that later when I’m conscious.  Can I get a To Go box?
10. My coach says I have to run a mile for every 100 calories I consume today. Are you trying to kill me?

And there you have it – the recipe for eating sensibly.  Just take half-size servings, stop when you feel full, and use these creative ways to say no.  Believe me… no food will go to waste (especially if you have dogs around.) 

All kidding aside, it is a blessing that we have family willing to put love into cooking, and I am indeed thankful for all the friends and family I have shared this holiday with over the years… in moderation

Happy Thanksgiving!

The source of inspiration

Where do you find inspiration? Do you search for it in books, speeches or feel-good movies? I do. I am also sometimes surprised by inspirational people who pop up in my life, seemingly by accident. Now I’m defining “inspirational” as someone who restores your faith in humankind and makes you want to take action of some sort…someone you can compare your life to and say “Wow, if she can do that, what’s stopping me?”

When life starts getting rough and doesn’t go according to plan, I admit I sometimes get discouraged and feel, well… uninspired. At that point I have a choice to wait it out, hoping inspiration comes my way; or I can choose to go looking for it.

Today there are so many inspirational stories at our fingertips whenever we want them. Just google the word “inspiration” and you’ll find thousands of blogs and youtube videos offering stories of hope and survival and breakthrough. Really great stuff that is getting circulated at lightning speed through social media.

There is another untapped source of inspiration that has surprised me – my own family and friends. Recently I have dug a little deeper into the lives of the people I thought I knew. I have asked them what they have struggled with and how they overcame in the end. I have volunteered to share stories about my life here in this blog and received amazing stories in return.

In other words, you don’t have to go far to find inspiration… or to provide it.  And if you sense someone struggling for inspiration, why not volunteer a solidarity story to give them a lift? 

Why not be the source?

Bounce, rock, skate, roll

Click to hear a soundtrack for this post.

Flashback… The rink goes dark.  You hear the intro to Red Ryder’s Lunatic Fringe blend into Earth Wind and Fire on the massive subwoofers.  The multi-colored lights reflect across the polished skate floor.  Homemade flash pots with a little too much gunpowder shoot a mini-mushroom cloud of smoke up into the high ceiling, mixing with the smell of popcorn and bubblegum.  The skaters strike a dramatic pose, and then kick into a series of crazy legs, coordinated steps and spins.  The girls go wild! 

At least that’s how I remember it. 

There were 6 of us original Roller Commandos, and we did skate dance routines in roller rinks around Central Indiana in the early 80’s.  I am referring only to the performing group, not the rumored band of roving rascals who irritated late night janitors and security officers on the Purdue University campus.  I can neither confirm nor deny their existence.  This story is about the short-lived line dancing Commandos based out of SkateAway in West Lafayette.

I give all the credit to Rich Knight, a born show promoter who organized the group.  All of us either worked at the rink or were regular rink rats.  Rich choreographed most of the routines to a cassette tape I mixed in the DJ booth. This 2006 movie “Roll Bounce” captures the skate dance style pretty well (watch at 45 seconds.)

The early days of rap music had light-hearted subject matter. Rappers declared they had the best rhymes and therefore deserved the attention of the ladies.  And maybe that’s why we were getting our groove on in those matching blue shirts and white painter’s pants – trying to impress the ladies. For me, I remember feeling the joy… the joy of having a great time without worrying too much about what others thought of me.  If you like it, cool.  If not, cool.  Either way, it’s cool.

So for a Halloween party last Saturday, I resurrected the costume with the original shirt and skates I kept from my youth. As a prop, I brought my old vinyl 12-inch of “Showdown” featuring the Sugar Hill Gang and the Furious Five.  To my surprise, the twenty-something DJ actually had a Technics turntable and played it for me.  I did some spins and crazy legs on the dance floor (without pulling a hamstring), and somehow avoided falling in the pool. 

I got my skate on.  And for just a few fleeting moments… I was 19 again. 

There is little photographic evidence of the original Roller Commandos, so I dedicate the photo above to Rich, Derek, Kevin, Kenny and Chuckie, and to all of you honorary commandos who lived that era with me.  When is the last time you did something just for the sheer joy of it?

Fight your way back

A friend of mine recently shared how tough the past few years have been for him.  He was underemployed for a long time and had to regress from owning to renting a home for his family. He eventually got back into a higher paying job and is slowly recovering from the years of hardship. And then he said something that really hit me…”Hey Dave, keep sending those motivational messages in your blog. It really helps, man.”

I felt humbled by that statement.  Here was this hard-working guy doing everything he can to take care of his family and claw his way back above the debt line.  He never gives up. He never complains. I didn’t even know he was going through all that. In my book, that is a heroic effort worth praising. (And he’s crediting me for a few words of encouragement typed into a blog.)

As I’ve stated here before, I don’t write Short Stories with a Point for any commercial purpose.  I share what helps me in the hope that it will help others. I assume that the few who speak up or write comments of appreciation represent a silent majority of readers who gain something and pass it on.  This motivates me to write even more.

So I will now address you directly, my silent majority friends.  Perhaps you are going through similar challenges as my buddy mentioned above.  You are clawing your way back out of a hole and choosing to keep trying until you’re breathing free again.  You love your family and friends and yourself too much to give up.  You are a fighter and I respect you for that. 

Through hard work and an incredible network of friends, I have been able to stay employed in this economy…  but it has not been easy. Not for a single day.  Whenever the environment shifts around me and new circumstances force me to adjust, I think back to the greatest moments of triumph in my life and remind myself that the person who climbed to those heights before is the same person I see in the mirror today. 

Your circumstances may have changed, but you haven’t.  Accept a new role that keeps you in the game or switch games entirely, but stay on the field… because you can’t make big plays from the sideline. 

Fight your way back.  We’re cheering for you.

Something to add

My comments on previous post “Jeff’s marathon”

I am not the only person who has a loved one fighting for his life right now.  As I have shared Jeff’s story I have been touched by so many of you sharing similar stories… of those who still fight and of those we have lost.

It is cruelly ironic that cancer can bring out the best in some people. More specifically, it can put your character to the test and reveal it for all to see.  It also forces you to make a decision… about how you want to live.

I admit I thought Jeff was a little crazy to hike the Grand Canyon and run a marathon so soon after his last round of treatments.  Now I just feel proud of him.  He is not only proving to himself that he’s going to live a full life, he is saying to every other person living with cancer that they are LIVING with it, not dying from it.

I’ve changed the way I look at my life in the past 17 months since Jeff began his battle. I’m consciously considering how I spend every day.  Am I really using my talents to help other people?  Am I wasting time with blame or regrets?  Am I letting anything stand in the way of finding and acting on purpose in my life?

This is my wish for you today.  That no matter the circumstances or obstacles in your way, no matter what you THINK you can’t do… you will choose to live.

Jeff’s marathon

Guest blogpost:  Jeff Goad’s thank you letter after finishing the Chicago Marathon.

What an experience! My wonderful brother Brad and I crossed the finish line in 5:55:18, but more importantly, thanks to all of you we raised nearly $3,700 for MMRF! This was the 10th time that I have crossed the finish line for a marathon, a full 90 minutes slower than any other, but still the most satisfying and emotional experience of my running career.

For the first time in my running life, I was really nervous about the race, due in large part to a recent injury that developed after returning home from vacation. I had an IT band issue similar to what had happened with my brother Dave a year ago before his first marathon, and it affected my knee to the point I couldn’t run at all for 2 weeks. I was able to run 3 miles pain free, 4 days before the race, then had a massage that night and visited my PT friend Lisa on Friday for some acupuncture therapy. All of this was in hopes of delaying the inevitable “gremlin” to a later part of the race. It wasn’t a matter of if, but when. The gremlin woke up around mile 16, but I still finished.

Ramona and I attended a wonderful MMRF reception on Saturday afternoon, where we were able to meet all of the other members of the MMRF racing team. We also met Jane Hoffmann, Alicia O’Neill, and Heidi O’Rourke; the MMRF organizers. The event became a very emotional sharing of stories, about what brought people to the marathon and how Multiple Myeloma has affected their loved ones and their lives. At the end of the event I was asked to tell my story, which was a wonderful forum for me to share my last 17 months with an entire room full of people who really understood Myeloma.

I shared some details of my softball injury that led to my diagnosis, my chemo treatments and 2 stem cell transplants. I then asked all of them what motivated them to be there, knowing they were there out of loyalty, compassion and most importantly love. I thanked the MMRF organization for what they have done and the ground work being laid for future achievements towards a cure. Then I shared my motivation for being there. I had received many opinions about not doing the race, taking it easy, or that I was just plain crazy. My reason for running the marathon was to honor all of the team members and donors that raised money and trained to support the MMRF. They were in fact running for me, and I ran to give hope to other patients.

I then closed by dedicating this race to 2 heroes in my life. Heroes to me are ordinary people doing extraordinary deeds. My first hero is my amazing brother David, who first launched his fundraising efforts for MMRF last June after finding out about my cancer. He has been such a steady and motivating force in my mental as well as physical recovery through his training, running and positive messages. My second hero is my fabulous wife Ramona. Her unwavering love and support has guided me back from the dark days of early cancer, to truly living again. She is my angel on earth looking out for me! We have so much more life to live together.   My family, friends and extended family complete the support network that keeps me afloat.

Until the next adventure… My deepest gratitude, Jeff

Click here if you’d like to donate to MMRF

Wow, I’m really stupid

The good news: I set a personal record in the 5K (24 minutes) and the 10K (49 minutes) this morning.  The bad news: those are not the races I was running today.  All I had to do was run a 9-minute pace for 13.1 miles and I would reach my goal of beating 2 hours in the half marathon. Instead, I started running with the 1:45 pace runner (8-minute pace) just to see what it felt like.

Even though I had trained for a 9-minute pace, I was feeling pretty good at 8 minutes per mile and I stayed with him for nearly 6 miles.  Yeah I feel great.  Yeah baby… I’m superman! I can do this all day.  Who can guess what happened next?

After mile 7 I thought I would back off a little, but it was too late. I slowed to 8:30, then 9:00, then 9:30.  At about mile 10, I had a meltdown.  Even though I had hydrated and fueled and stretched and visualized… my legs felt like lead.  I walked through the next water station, cursing myself for going out too fast. I splashed a soggy Dixie cup of water right into my face and yelled at myself “Come on!!”  (Well, apparently this only works in the movies.)

To make a short story shorter, I finished at 2:04:49.  I got my knees iced up in the medical tent after the race, and I sat there on the curb thinking “Wow, I’m really stupid.”  Worst of all, I did the EXACT same thing last year in the exact same race.  I believed my own hype. I went after something I wasn’t really prepared to do.

So what have we learned?  Slower and steadier wins the race?  You can’t do the same thing over and over and expect a different result?  There is definitely something to be said for playing within your ability and making slow incremental improvements. I knew this and I ignored it.  

I could just kick myself for overdoing it… if my leg wasn’t so tired.

What a difference

What a difference a year makes. What a difference courage makes.

It was June of 2010 when my brother Jeff first used the word cancer in a phone call.  “I’ve got multiple myeloma and I have to start treatment immediately.” I responded with optimistic strength in my voice, encouraging him to beat it.  After we hung up I googled the facts about this rare blood cancer and its typical survival rates… and my eyes teared up.  My older brother’s life was in jeopardy and he’s only 50 years old.

The next time we talked he described in more detail about his upcoming 6 months of chemotherapy and stem cell transplant… relatively new advancements made possible by the Multiple Myeloma Research Foundation (MMRF).  Basically he was about to go through hell, but it was a hell that would save his life if his body responded to it.

I contemplated how I could show my solidarity.  What really hard thing could I do in parallel with Jeff’s treatment to show him how much I supported him?  “Hey Jeff, if you beat this in 6 months… I will, uh… run a full marathon! And I’ll raise money for cancer research in the process!” 

He was instantly cheered up by the idea, and I was instantly wondering what the heck I just committed to.  Jeff was an experienced marathon runner and he was going to coach me.  I also reached out to the great people at MMRF Endurance Events to help me set up a website and the fundraising began. 

Jeff weathered the treatments as I ran in rainy weather.  He suffered through long hospital stays while I blogged about my training progress.  We each took courage from each other and he told me it made a big difference in his positive frame of mind.  We also overcame setbacks together. I had a leg injury 3 weeks before my race.  His first stem cell transplant did not achieve complete results.  I was able to finish my marathon, but his continued for another 6 months. 

And here we are today… Jeff’s doctor is almost ready to declare complete remission, as the numbers are getting nearer to zero.  I am happy to say the thunderstorm threat has been reduced to a few wispy clouds of uncertainty.  When I think about my brother’s battle the word “courage” keeps coming to mind. Anyone can fight, but it takes real courage to fight when the odds are not in your favor.  That’s why I love and respect my brother, and will continue to fight on his behalf.

In early September Jeff and his wife Ramona backpacked through the Grand Canyon, demonstrating his mental and physical toughness… 3 days, 19 miles, 100 degree temperatures and 10,000 feet of elevation change.  6 months ago he could barely walk around his block!

On October 9, he will run/walk the Chicago marathon, side by side with our brother Brad, to raise money for MMRF. You can join the fight too using the link below. Research leads to treatments.  Treatments save lives.  What a difference you can make by giving.

Click here to donate to MMRF

(Rated in the top 1% of all charities evaluated by ‘watchdogs’ like Charity Navigator.  90% of all funds raised go directly to research!)

 

E-ticket to ride

Gather round young whippersnappers. In the old days, Disney theme parks used to sell paper tickets for rides throughout the Magic Kingdom.  When I was eleven years old, I remember my parents buying a pack for each of us, with tickets marked A through E. The E-tickets were for something really awesome like Space Mountain. A-tickets got you something lame like a Steamboat Willie cartoon on Main Street.

Yes, the E-tickets were precious and I wanted to use them wisely… but here was the quandary.  Do you use your E-tickets first and enjoy life to its utmost RIGHT NOW, or do you delay gratification and save them for later… using the A’s, B’s, C’s and D’s to work your way up to the big finale?

I decided to ration my fun.  I remember the lines being really long for the best E rides, and I thought I would just wait until later in the day to work them in.  We did the Autopia, Mad Hatter Teacups and other fun mid-tier rides, but Space Mountain and the Matterhorn were going to be the headliners later on.

Well, to make a short story shorter, we almost ran out of time to do those awesome roller coasters.  Luckily we worked them both in by nightfall, but I remember almost going home with an unused E-ticket!  What a shame that would have been!

How are you doing with the opportunities to really live your life?  Are you saving up to have fun later, or jumping on the coaster right now and throwing your hands in the air?  I’ve chosen to do more personal E-ticket items (climbing, racing, speaking, writing) in the past three years than in the previous ten.

It’s good to pace yourself in your life. It’s also good to give yourself in the service of others.  But do you want to get to the end of your journey with E-tickets still in your hand?  That would be a shame.

Salute to those who serve

I just love Scottish festivals – the wail of the bagpipes, the highland dancing, the heavy games, the sheep herding dogs and cold beer on a hot Labor Day weekend.  This year, there was one moment that stuck with me more than the rest, and it happened during the grandstand ceremony.

For the first time, the LA Scots pipe and drum band joined forces with the Marine Bad San Diego for precision marching and well-played music. They were then joined by the massed bands from all over the country, lining up on the dirt track to entertain the Pleasanton fairgrounds grandstand. The music included a rousing rendition of Scotland the Brave and the moving melody of Amazing Grace, which still gives me chills every time I hear it from the bagpipes.

The moment came when the announcer said “And now we will hear the anthems from each branch of the service!” As the assembled band belted out each one, all the men and women who served in each military branch were invited to stand up in a proud display of patriotism.

There were quite a few representatives in the audience from the biggest branches – the Army, Navy, Air Force and Marines.  Then they played the Coast Guard song “Semper Paratus (Always Ready.)”  I scanned the crowd, wondering if anyone would stand… after all, it IS the smallest branch. What are the odds?

Five or six rows in front of us, a grey-haired man leaned forward on his knotty wooden cane.  He put his hand on his friend’s shoulder and slowly rose out of his chair.  He must have been in his eighties from the look of him.  As the music began to play, I watched him get his balance. The curve in his spine straightened right out as he lifted his chin and lifted his arm to salute. He remained at full attention until the music stopped.

I thought to myself, “Wow… this man must have served in World War II, one of the Greatest Generation. He most likely lost many friends as he defended our country… and I imagined it was those fallen brothers he was saluting at that moment.  I took off my hat, covered my heart, and did my best to stand up just as straight and tall.

With the tenth anniversary of September 11^th this weekend, I am reminded of all the men and women who stand up to serve in our name.  From the forces that liberated Europe in the 40’s, to the Seal team that took out Bin Laden, to the future forces that will protect us from the next threat to our shores… I say keep standing tall.  You have my undying respect and admiration.

FIght, FLight or FRight

I learned this in 6^th grade science class. When an animal in the wild is face to face with a predator about to eat him, one of two instincts will take over – fight or flight.  The animal will stand and fight, or take flight and escape (by running, flying, swimming, whatever.) Even curling up into an armored shell counts as taking evasive action. 

There is a third option that we highly evolved humans have developed… let’s call it fright.  Fright means standing there looking at the predator and doing nothing. Basically letting it eat you because you could not make a decision or take action.  Though we humans are (usually) not faced by literal predators trying to eat us, we are faced with big problems, predicaments and aggressive people who will do us harm if we just stand there and stare at them.

In a previous post “Chase or be chased,” I was describing a mind game I play to keep me motivated during long races.  I not only chase a goal that is front of me, I also set up a scenario where I am being chased from behind.  It’s the tension between these two that keeps me moving, combining negative and positive reinforcement at the same time.

Reader Mike T. commented on the importance of enjoying this spot in the middle, living in the present moment and not dwelling too much on the past and future. I totally agree.  It’s hard to be happy if you’re always looking at the horizon or the rearview mirror. It’s even harder to be happy if you let fear catch up and swallow you.

One of the ways I defeat fear is to acknowledge and accept it, then very rationally decide what to do about it.  For example…you may feel the fear that your job will be downsized in the near future. You can choose to fight – do everything you can to prove your worth to your current employer.  Or you can take flight – go look for another company or start your own (always a viable option.)  The worst thing to do is allow yourself to be frozen with fright, waiting for the ax to fall. This is just plain wasted time.

I feel fear.  Everyone feels fear. Use it to propel, not paralyze you.

Chase or be chased

I play mind games to motivate myself on long runs.  Coach Jeff Galloway encourages this practice to keep your right brain engaged and your left brain from talking you out of reaching your goal. When you hit mile 18 in a marathon, it can become all out war between the hemispheres.

One of my favorite mind games is chase or be chased. In big races you get to run in a stream of other runners. I discovered in my first half marathon that I could run faster if I picked out an older runner ahead of me and caught up to them. Then I picked another and repeated. This was inspired by an obviously “senior” lady who passed me at mile 6… I just could not let her go by.

Marathons also have pace runners who hold up a placard with a time on it, like 4:45 or 5:00. If you want to finish in that time, all you have to do is stay with the pace runner (easier said than done.) In the last marathon I aligned with the pacer who was 15 minutes faster than my target time. She got ahead of me, but I knew the 5 hour pacer was somewhere behind me and I was determined to not let him pass. I was chasing AND being chased. This helped me keep moving when my body really started to feel the distance.

This game combines push and pull, fear and desire, survive and thrive. It’s a lot like life if you think about it… chasing after dreams while staying ahead of the competition; running to something and away from something at the same time. The trick is to stay in the middle.  If you reach a goal, immediately set another and keep moving. Glance in the rear-view mirror occasionally to remind you of how far you’ve come.

 I met Marshall Ulrich at the San Francisco Marathon, the man who ran across the United States in 52 days at age 57.  One of the key strategies he describes in his book was setting up a competition between himself and another runner… very similar to my “chase or be chased” mind game.  When his friend dropped out, it really affected his motivation and he had to come up with new ways to entertain his right brain and overcome perceived limitations.

Marshall signed a copy of his book I bought for my brother, and he wrote inside “Your only limitations are in your mind.”  Whether you are playfully chasing a fellow runner, chasing a new record time or chasing a big goal in your life…the ability to unlock your amazing potential is all in your mind too.

Go ahead, chase after it.

Who do you think you are?

Just who do you think you are?!  This phrase was a playground taunt when I was a kid.  Alpha male gets challenged for supremacy in the pack.  Alpha male backs down challenger by tapping into the doubt and uncertainty swimming in the challenger’s head.  What this phrase really translates to is “Apparently you don’t know who I am… why should I pay any attention to you?”

Underdogs throughout history have faced this moment of truth, when they had to follow through on their challenge or back down in defeat.  In so many famous sports upsets, the battle did not go to the physically strongest or most experienced.  It was won or lost in the players’ minds before the battle even began.

This works the same way with a job interview.  You are stepping up to prove you are worthy to someone who is in a power position.  If you are tentative, or doubt your abilities, the alpha dog can sense your fear.  An interviewer may not actually growl at you, but they will silently dismiss you as a top candidate.

Humility and self-deprecating humor are usually favorable personality traits in social conversations, but not in job interviews. You must come to an interview with the attitude that you deserve it and that you can do anything you put your mind to, even if you don’t have all the experience or skills listed in the description. 

If you can demonstrate passion, evidence of past successes, the ability to transfer skills, learn quickly and leverage resources… then you ARE qualified for the job.

Confidence is a powerful ally.  Doubt will keep you from being your best.

Who you think you are IS, in fact, who you are.

16 steps

There are 16 steps on the staircase to the second floor of our house. I was just walking up to my home office when I stopped. The concept of turning 50 suddenly hit me and I was glad I was holding the handrail. I looked down at my feet and the steps leading back to the bottom. I was standing on step #9, just past halfway.

The eight steps below suddenly became my life. I looked at each one as the memories flooded my mind… my childhood, my school years, my first job, my wedding to my beautiful bride Carol, the birth of our two amazing kids Evan and Amanda (each one gets their own step), our move to Northern California and several new jobs, our kids going to college, and so many communities of friends and work colleagues I still hold dear.

People usually climb stairs facing forward only, but this time I had to pause and look back on the steps that got me to where I am now. I wonder why 50 is such a big milestone. Sure, it’s half a century… but it’s only half. God willing I am going to live another 40 years or so, and I can look up and see a lot of staircase left to travel!

So what am I feeling now? I’m feeling grateful for making it past half way. I’m glad that I savored every life stage and did not jump 2 steps at a time. I’m also looking with great anticipation at the steps to come, each one moving forward and upward. When I eventually reach the top, I plan to look back and cherish a life well-lived and all those who walked beside me… even if it was for a single step.

Interview story time

I’ve interviewed hundreds of job candidates over the course of my career.  I don’t claim to be an interviewing expert, but I do have an educated opinion on what makes the difference between first and second place for candidates. To all my friends who are job hunting right now… please consider my unsolicited advice.

When you are interviewing for a new job, you are marketing and selling a product. The product is you. You have features and benefits that might be right for the boss across the table. Features are your skills.  Benefits are what you can do with them. 

Most resumes start as a list of bullet point facts – job titles, dates and responsibilities. What impresses me most is when a resume comes together as a compelling story, told with passion and integrity by the job candidate.

Each previous job on your resume is a chapter in the story and contains scenes with a setting, characters, action, conflict and resolution. You are the star, and how you reacted to circumstances in each scene provides clues about how you will react in the future. During an interview, your job achievements will be more compelling if you can articulately describe each situation, what action you took and the measurable result.

Transitions are also very important.  Why did you leave this scene and move on to the next?  Why are there blank pages in between these two chapters?  The interviewer is just trying to fill story gaps by asking you these questions.  You never know exactly what you will be asked, but you can still be prepared.

Every single time I interviewed for a job, I was asked to walk the interviewer through my resume and provide some color on what happened and the choices I made.  Your Situation/Action/Result scenarios can be written out in advance, rehearsed and refined. If you role play out loud with a friend or mentor beforehand, you are paving the way for a more confident performance in the actual interview.

Your career is a story. Tell it with enthusiasm and you’ll be a best-seller!

Do you have a tip for successful interviewing?  Please share it in the comments below!

Missed your calling?

How many times have you heard “You missed your calling!” from a friend or co-worker?  It usually comes right after they see you do something extraordinary that has nothing to do with your day job… like when you exhibit some long dormant talent that rarely gets dusted off and used in public. 

I think it is meant as a compliment, but the implication is that your current job is NOT your calling and that you may be wasting your time and talent.

This phrase has religious origins… the concept that you get “called” by God to perform one big special mission in your life like writing a book, starting your own company or helping the needy. At some point in your life you hear this call and you’re supposed to answer by pursuing it.  This word “calling” has now become part of our broader vocabulary, and you most often hear it when someone thinks you’re missing it.

Here’s the thing… I’m not sure we get just one great call in our lives.  I have felt compelled to do many things outside my day job or comfort zone. I have answered a few calls and let a few others go to voicemail. I have had people acknowledge me for moments of creativity that brought me no financial gain, and moments where I’ve sacrificed to help others without telling a soul about it.

The point is… just because your creative flourish or altruistic effort is not your full-time job doesn’t mean it’s any less significant.  Why not answer a part-time calling in the midst of a full-time career?  Perhaps your talents are meant to bring joy and impact others exactly where you are right now.

When you are laid off

I have been laid off twice in my life. Both times were painful, yet both led to major leaps forward in my career.  I got some great advice during those troubling times, and I want to pass it forward to anyone who is in the same boat right now. Feel free to add more advice in the comments below and forward this post to a friend if you find it useful.  Here we go:

Move on.  Your new job is to find a new job and it starts now.  Every minute you spend wondering “why me?” is a wasted minute.  More often than not a layoff decision is based on priorities and fit, not talent or intelligence.  So start looking for a new fit with your head held high.

Refresh your resume with successes.  Listing responsibilities is not as powerful as describing recent measurable achievements.  Follow the Situation / Action / Result format and find a way to quantify what you’ve done.  These will also be the stories you tell in your interview, so practice them in advance.  Getting your resume into LinkedIn with the right keywords is NOT optional.

Your resume will not pick up the phone and get you an interview.  People in your network will.  Help your friends help you by doing the research up front on posted openings in their company, then also ask for referrals to their colleagues who may have unlisted openings. And sometimes your friend may have just the right opening for you on their team.

Get out there. Go to association meetings, join a Toastmasters club or take a class.  Meet people, ask what they do and really listen.  Prepare a short speech on what you’re all about and bring a business card.  Staying holed up in your house sending resumes all day is not enough (trust me on this one.)

Start consulting.  Immediately call your friends and ask if they know of any short-term projects that need doing.  Keep the commitment level low to get in the door, then show ‘em what you can do.  Contracting gives the company the ability to “audition” you, and gives you the ability to audition them.  The cash and self-esteem feel good too.

Confidence sells. You don’t have to know everything about a new job to be qualified for it.  Your abilities to learn, adapt, solve problems and communicate may be more important than “extensive experience.” And by far the most important quality you will be evaluated on is your attitude. So be positive and confident.

The fear, uncertainty and doubt from my layoffs are still vivid memories in my mind.  And so are the moments of triumph when I got a fresh start with a new opportunity. I share this out of love for my friends who are about to see a new door open for them.  You know who you are.  Go find that door and walk through it.

All together now

So now I’ve run two marathons and I’m a proud two-timer. I ran the relatively mild Sacramento CIM in December and the not-so-mild hill-climbing adventure in San Francisco today.  While it’s fresh in my mind, I’d like to share the top 10 highlights of the race for me:

1. I met Marshall Ulrich at the runners’ expo the day before the race.  At 57 years old, he ran over 3063 miles from SF to New York in just 52 days. We bonded over running for cancer research, as he lost his wife at age 30 to breast cancer.
2. We started in the dark on a chilly 57 degree morning, and it stayed that way.  Cool cloudy weather kept my heart rate down and required less water. 
3. I lined up with the 4:45 Pace Runner, who was holding her little sign up as a beacon for me to follow.  30 seconds into the race, she yells out “Shoelace!” and runs to the curb to fix it. So much for the beacon.
4. Running across the majestic Golden Gate bridge and back again.
5. Running through the amazing Golden Gate park and taking in the fresh oxygen from the ancient trees there.
6. Running behind a young man who was hopping barefoot, on crutches, with his left ankle wrapped. For the sake of my self-esteem, I begged him not to come in ahead of me.
7. At mile 18, the actual devil (OK a guy in a devil costume) was offering hot dogs and beer for anyone who wanted to quit. For the record, I refused.
8. Overcoming pain in my left knee (caused by downhill pounding), by adding more strategic walk breaks in the last 5 miles and repeating Isaiah 40:28-31 over and over in my head.  The walks cost me the 5 hour goal, but I was happy about the way I adjusted to the struggle.
9. Running miles 21 to 24 with a 75-year old guy named Bill, who was just as determined to finish with pride as I was.
10. Finishing at 5:09:18, which is 40 minutes faster than my last marathon 6 months ago. Respectable and satisfying!

Running has been tremendously rewarding for me, and it all started with walking a mile on a treadmill and building from there.  For this marathon I trained for 5 months on distance, speed, hills and visualization.  All I had to do on race day was put it all together. 

Any big challenge can be broken down into component parts and managed this way. Confidence in each component adds up to confidence overall.  All together now… you are capable of far more than you think you are. However, there is no substitute for putting in the miles of work, and resisting the hot dog and beer from the devil.

What connects us all

In a recent post I wrote: “Your best friends will find you accidentally, and stay with you intentionally.”  Let’s explore that a little more.  The definition of the word “friend” has been stretched by social media, to the point that it even functions as a verb.  The term “best friend” sounds more personal and implies that you rank a little higher on someone’s list… but what makes a friend “best?”

Friends and best friends will come and go in your life. Though it appears to be a series of accidents, it probably isn’t.  We meet friends at school and work who help us get through the stress. We meet kindred spirits who believe in the same religion or cause.  We meet friends who cheer for the same team or just make us laugh. We have lovable but occasionally irritating friends who teach us patience.

We are not just connected by a phone number scrawled in an address book or a few lines of code in Facebook.  We are connected by shared experience. 

Many of you reading this right now shared an experience with me; we grew up in Kokomo, Indiana; we survived and graduated from North Central HS or Purdue University; we entertained the masses from a DJ booth; we worked together to start up a start-up or propel an enterprise; our sons were on the same soccer team; we learned and laughed at Toastmasters; or we raised money for cancer research.

Here’s the thing… you all count and you all matter. You are all “best” friends because you were there when I needed you.  I am grateful for the part you played in making me who I am, and cherish the moments I impacted your life as well.  After all, it’s not about the number of friends in your life, but the life in your friends. What new shared experiences could make it even better?

If you have read this all the way to end, you just shared an experience with me. So by my definition we are now friends and here is my “friend request”… take a moment right now to reach out to one friend and thank them for being there for you.  A best friend will tell you it’s not necessary, but they will appreciate hearing the words.

When the rock won’t move

Self-doubt is a powerful force. I’m staring up at a 15-foot sandstone rock wall, assessing how I’m going to climb it.  My son had already scrambled to the top like Spiderman, not intimidated by the small footholds or the hard surface he could have fallen down on below.  We had been climbing for 3 hours up a boulder-heaped “trail” called Dragon’s Back and the summit was in sight.

“Come on, Dad you can do it,” Evan tried to encourage me from his vantage point above. All I could think about was the Wikipedia entry for Class III rock-climbing, noting that “not all falls from rocks of this height will be fatal.” That was a comforting thought.

I know that sometimes “scary” is necessary to cross over thresholds you previously thought impossible.  But this literal wall in front of me, which at the very least could cause me to break my leg, was causing me to have one of those “when to stop” moments.

I took a step back and took a long, warm sip of water from my camelback. Then I slowly looked to the left and to the right as I finished off the last of my Cliff bar.  I shouted up the wall, “Hey Evan, can you see a way around from up there?”

He checked out the terrain on the side of the mountain, a collection of jumbled sandstone boulders, sharp yucca plants and twisted Manzanita bushes that had been burned black in the Santa Barbara fire 2 years ago.

He shouted back, “If you backtrack 20 feet and go down and around, I think you can make it.”  He started climbing over to the left side to meet me.  I went “off-road” and it was rough going, snagging my backpack on the gnarled brush and slipping in the loose dirt, but I made it all the way up to meet Evan. 

We eventually made the summit together, and to me it was even more satisfying that I did it without taking the risky climb on the 15-foot wall. 

The life metaphor is fairly transparent… we often come up against seemingly insurmountable challenges and assume there is only one way through. Truth is, I didn’t have to defeat that wall directly because I was able to outsmart it.  But make no mistake, I DID defeat it.

There is nothing wrong with going back down and around when you have to overcome an obstacle.  Even when the rock won’t move… what’s stopping you from taking a new direction?

Photo: David and Evan Goad with the Dragon’s Back ridge in the background.

Hearing the “R” word

After investing so much emotion to support my brother Jeff in his cancer battle, I’m having trouble forming the words to express my joy over this.  Since so many of you followed the story, prayed for his health and gave money to my marathon fundraiser last year, I’d like you to hear the latest update in Jeff’s own words:

“Seldom in one’s life can a single word evoke so much emotion as the one Mo and I heard at Dr. Singhal’s office… “Remission!”

It caught us both by surprise as Joseph, Dr. Singhal’s P.A. was rolling through the recap of all my medical procedures this past year; 12 weeks of chemo, 4 day stem cell prep, stem cell harvest, 2-week stem cell transplant, 3-month recovery, 2nd stem cell transplant, 3-month recovery, 4-weeks chemo, then a pause.

“All of your labs are negative for Myeloma. You are in remission by the old standards”! He went on to explain the recent “stricter” definition implemented 4 yrs ago which requires my Kappa Light Chain marker to be between 0-2, I’m at 43 and dropping.

Mo and I made eye contact as I was sitting on the exam table and the tears started to well up in both our eyes. I was intently listening though to Joseph to make certain there wasn’t some giant “but” hanging in the air to squash the moment and the reality of what we had just heard. He continued that we should do 4 more Velcade treatments to get rid of the last few myeloma cells that were loitering like a small mob of punks looking for trouble (my creative license about the mob.) Full throttle, no mercy for these remaining cells!

It is so strange to really see a finish line now, after beginning this run not knowing if it would be 20 miles or 200 miles! Now there is a ribbon suspended across the road. That’s why it is so fitting that I signed up to race on the MMRF marathon team in the Chicago Marathon on Oct. 9th as the only Myeloma patient on a team of family and friends of MM folks. Also fitting is that it will be my 13th anniversary with my bride. It will be a very lucky anniversary indeed. I also just secured a spot for this year’s Chicago-Mackinac race, my 19th. This 333 mile yacht race will be a true celebration of adventure and move me one year closer to my 25 year goal.

In closing, we are still in a bit of stunned disbelief, even though we have focused, prayed, lived, prepared, suffered and fought to the best of our abilities to achieve this result! Mo and I owe so much to so many for pushing, pulling, and lifting us to this point of the journey. One year, one month, and one week ago the world really changed for Mo and I. It just changed again!”

All our love, Jeff & Ramona

Got, got, got, got no time

When you say “I don’t have time for that,” what are you really saying? I suppose it could literally be true. You can’t stop for coffee because you’re racing to catch a train. You have to skip your workout because you’re working late on a project due tomorrow. You don’t have time to write your book because you are too tired at the end of each day.

In all these cases the statement is true. You have run out of time in that moment. The real question is what led up to that moment of truth? It was usually a series of choices made by you, consciously or subconsciously, that caused you to use up your time on other things. Were those other things equally important?

When I “suddenly” find myself out of time and unable to do something I really wanted to do, it’s NOT due to outside circumstances. It is due to how I processed what was in front of me all day long and how I chose to react. It is in those hundred little choices I make throughout the day that determines happiness or frustration; greatness or mediocrity.

For example, I’d say one hour of laughter watching TV with your kids is a great use of time. One hour of watching Jersey Shore alone with a bag of Cheetos in your lap may set you back a couple of rungs on the evolutionary ladder.

Taking on every little task your co-workers ask of you may seem generous and makes you a team player, but is it eating up the time you should be spending on a higher priority project?

Saving your “me” time for the end of each day is a choice, not a requirement. Getting up an hour BEFORE the official day starts throwing things at you may be a much better strategy and get you in the right frame of mind for taking on the rest of the world.

The next time you catch yourself saying “I don’t have time for that,” swap out that phrase with “That’s not important to me.” In some cases you’ll find it is not really important – mission accomplished. However, if you keep delaying something that is truly important, it’s not a matter of time… it’s a matter of choice.

Running on empty

16 miles into a 19-mile run and I’m starting to bonk. I’m training for a marathon and I’ve been faithfully putting in the miles. I just did 17 miles 2 weeks ago with no problem at all.  Why is today different?  Maybe it’s the heat.  Maybe I didn’t drink enough water.  Maybe I didn’t get enough sleep last night.  All these maybes should be figured out for the next run, but right now I’m faced with the challenge of 3 more miles.   Am I going to do this or not?

You runners know how your left brain can mess with your right brain during long distances.  For you non-runners, this is the famous wall you hear about in marathons… usually in the context of someone “hitting it.”  It is sudden; it is real; and it can rob you of finishing with pride.

 Jeff Galloway recommends playing tricks on your own mind to shut down the logical left.  Talk to your body.  Tell it to ignore the doubts and fears and urges to stop.  Tell it to open up circulation to your muscles and feed off the healing energy.

I’m playing these mental games as I stare at the long stretch of Chrisman road in front of me.  I can see heat waves emanating off the pavement, distorting my vision like a desert mirage.  The water tower in the distance is my goal, the place  where I stop my watch and celebrate going 19 miles at a 12-minute pace. Am I going to walk or run right now?

When you hit an unexpected wall in any great endeavor, you have the same decision to make.  Are you going to do this or not?  It is a yes or no question. 

I visualized the future and saw myself standing at the water tower looking at my watch.  Am I celebrating success, or wallowing in regret for giving up?  Am I proud of what I’ve done or did I let an imagined “empty tank” get the best of me?  That was all it took.  I straightened up and pushed the accelerator.  I didn’t come this far to give up with the goal in sight… I ran all 3 miles.

This analogy works for many challenges you will face in your life. When you hit a wall, what will your decision be?  Are you going to do this or not?  I encourage you to look through the haze and visualize finishing with pride.  You may find your tank was not really empty after all.

 

Wait, what?

Have you ever smiled and nodded after not hearing a word someone just said… and you didn’t want to ask for a replay because you’re embarrassed that you weren’t paying attention?  We’ve heard about the dangers of “distracted driving” and the damage it can do.  What about “distracted talking,” which can damage communication and relationships?

I’m talking about the hypnotic, heads-down stare into your smart phone or laptop when someone is talking to you. I admit I’m guilty of this.  I love the way my little electronic leash keeps me connected to work, family and friends, but I admit sometimes I am slow to look up and pay full attention when someone approaches my “real world” air space.

In the interest of improving communication with our friends, family and co-workers, I humbly offer 3 bits of advice for talkers and talkees:

How to get attention:

Before you launch into your question, ask first “May I ask you a question?”  It may seem like an unnecessary waste of words, but “asking if you can ask” will break them out of their distracted mode and elicit an honest response. They may actually tell you no, which saves you both time in the long run.  You will only get divided attention if they are engrossed in something more important than your needs at that moment.

How to know if someone has been listening:

Pause and say “OK, let’s recap before I go.”  “Go” is the magic word here (especially if they’ve been secretly wishing you’d get lost during your whole conversation.) Then stand there and wait for them to make eye contact and respond.  If they scramble to come up with something coherent, help them out by offering your own recap.  After being put on the spot (gently), I guarantee they will remember what you say next.

How to make friends:

Give face-to-face humans absolute priority over your digital devices.  When someone enters your sphere, turn toward them, look them in the eye, tune in to  body language and enjoy the personal interaction.  Even if it’s business-related, take a moment to ask them about their day. It’s a nice warm-up to the main topic.

Is it better to have a higher number of faster interactions, or get better results from fewer interactions? I’m going to make a conscious effort to get my head out of my crackberry and really pay attention.  It’s the best way to avoid getting a  distracted talking ticket… and walking into walls.

Father time

The births of my two children were unforgettable peak experiences in my life. I knew at the moment they entered the world that they would BE my world.  If you are a father, you know that it is one of the hardest and most rewarding things you will ever do.  I worked hard to be a good provider, and spent as much time as possible with them when I got home from work, on the weekends and on vacations.

The goal is to raise self-sufficient adults and if you’re fortunate, that’s just what you get. The downside is that Father Time eventually starts limiting your “father time.” They grow up and go off to college and you get only sporadic moments to be a dad after that.  I cherish every one of these moments with my remarkable kids, and I’m proud that they don’t really need me that much.

I have learned that even when you think they are not listening to your advice, they really are.  If you live life as a good role model, you’re increasing the chances they will too.  And the most important thing you can do is love them and make time for them when they do need you.

As I celebrate Father’s Day this coming weekend, I want to thank my father, Jim Goad (pictured above), for doing these things for me.  He has never stopped being a dad.  He still tells me he is proud of me, and defends me when he thinks I’m getting a raw deal.  He demonstrates compassion, loyalty and a sense of humor.  He’s a good guy… with generosity worth passing on to the next generation.

We live pretty far apart now (California and Indiana) and I wish I had more father time with my dad. We have email, phone calls and fishing trips.  But you know… he really is here all the time.  He’s a part of me. Sometimes I catch myself involuntarily saying things to my kids that I originally heard from my dad. And I smile. 

Celebrate the best qualities in your father this Father’s Day. Trust me… he will appreciate it.

How you play the game

Hang on to your hater hat, I’m about to defend LeBron James.  There is nothing wrong with wanting to make more money or win a championship in your chosen sport.  Professional athletes change teams all the time to achieve these goals. You’ve switched jobs to make more money once or twice in your life, haven’t you? 

And didn’t you call a press conference to announce your decision and rub it in the face of your old boss and co-workers and then predict that your new company would be incredibly fabulous with your fabulous self on board?  No?

Sorry for the bait and switch. I really can’t defend LeBron James.  It’s not always whether you win or lose the game, but how you play it.  It’s not always what you say, but how you say it. 

Maybe LeBron believes his own hype, or maybe he’s getting bad advice.  His PR folks should have known that a premature “King James” coronation would rub people the wrong way. (The fact that it’s a biblical reference makes it even worse.)  His big media launch when he left Cleveland earned him love in Miami, but the opposite emotion everywhere else.

After Dallas defeated Miami in this year’s NBA Finals, we ironically got our lesson in humility from the loudest loudmouth owner in sports, Mark Cuban. When asked how it feels to be a winner, he pointed the microphone at his coach and players and said “Ask them.”  You could argue that Cuban’s “humility” is as calculated as LeBron’s flash and fanfare… and I don’t care.  It was cool.

It may be hard to be humble when you’re so great, but it’s easier for fans to identify with those who let results do ALL the talking.  A little humility goes a long way.

If only I knew

This is an unsolicited letter written by my current self to my self at age eighteen. Feel free to share with young adults in your life if you dare.

Dear Younger David:

This is your future self coming back to give you some advice.  Yes, those science fiction movies are true and time travel is totally achievable. I wanted to take this opportunity to tell you 7 things that may help you…

You are not as cool as you think you are.  It’s good to be confident, but you are not really God’s gift to the ladies. Skinny leather ties will eventually go out of style. And that hot rod car you drive can actually be pretty loud and annoying.

You are not as dorky as you think you are.  All those times you feel like you don’t fit in, you actually fit in just fine.  It’s alright to be you and not try to live up to someone else’s expectations.  Your best friends will find you accidentally, and stay with you intentionally.

Remember the teachers you like.  They are connecting with you in the way you like to learn. Seek out more mentors like them throughout your life.  Forget the teachers you don’t like, especially the ones who seem like they don’t care about your success.  Their real value is in teaching you what not to do.

All your friends do NOT have a clear plan for their lives. Sometimes, it seems like you are the only one who doesn’t know exactly what you want to do in your career, but trust me… most of your friends are as confused and uncertain as you are.  Go ahead and pursue what feels right.  It’s OK to start humbly at the bottom, as learning the business from the ground up will make you a better leader someday.

Do not fear change.  The biggest changes in your life will lead to some of the biggest leaps in learning and growth.  The pace of change will get faster, not slower, as you get older.  Therefore, your ability to adapt is really your most important skill.

Keep in touch with your friends.  There are people in your life right now who will still be there for you three decades later.  Some of them you will rediscover through a thing called Facebook.  It’s like the Purdue Freshman Registry but searchable on the Inter….oh never mind. Just trust me on this one.

You’ll turn out just fine.  In spite of all the mistakes you make, and all the trials you live through, you end up being a pretty decent human being.  You will love and be loved; you will leave a legacy with your children; and you will never stop chasing the meaning of life. 

One more thing – you will write a letter to your eighteen-year-old self someday.  And it will be pretty solid advice.

Sincerely,

Older David

P.S. Apple stock eventually makes a huge comeback, and the Buffalo Bills will lose 4 Super Bowls. Bet accordingly.

The gold-plated rule

Regardless of your religion, you’ve surely heard a version of this Golden Rule: “Treat others the way you want to be treated.”  I bet  you agree that this “gold standard” of behavior is a good idea.  A society is more civilized if most people follow it.  But dang… it sure is hard to live up to!  Can’t I just make up a Gold-Plated Rule that doesn’t require as much commitment?

I could just follow the Gold-Plated Rule when I intentionally slow down in front of an aggressive driver who is tailgating me; or when I pass along gossip that is just too good to sit on.  I could achieve this “almost-gold standard” when I lose my temper and make snide comments in public.  Gold-plated is pretty good, right?

With the news about how politicians (Edwards, Spitzer, Schwarzenegger, Weiner, insert next name here) have treated their wives lately, I can’t help but wonder if they even reach aluminum status. They’ve gone way beyond bad manners to being destructive to their marriages.

Just like after the Tiger Woods scandal, I piled on the bandwagon and took shots at these Golden Rule breakers… but on second thought, maybe this could be a teaching moment.  To borrow another biblical phrase, “Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”  Unless each of us can claim 100% Golden Rule eligibility, do we really have a right to tear anyone else down?

Let’s be clear… I’m not defending their behavior.  I’m commenting about how we react to it.  You could argue that life in the public spotlight is a choice, and along with the power and prestige comes a target already pasted on one’s back.  I could argue that the private spotlight can be just as bright if you turn it on yourself. We all make mistakes we wish we could take back.

The point is that we should strive for Gold… to treat others with respect at all times, to the very best of our ability.  That way when you fall down, which to some degree everyone does, others may treat you with sympathy and support instead of slings and arrows.

We should never be satisfied with gold-plated.

High anxiety

Clouds appear to be solid from a distance, especially dark, menacing cumulo-nimbus clouds rolling in over the foothills.  I was just out walking after lunch and I watched a plane flying through those dark clouds… shooting straight through that mass of water vapor without hesitation.  Imagine how terrifying it must have been for early aviators flying through clouds without instruments to tell them they’re about to smash into something?

I don’t know about you, but I still get a little anxious when I am on a plane that rises through the clouds after takeoff.  I’ve done it countless times before and always made it through without incident.  I’ve got two airline pilots in my family who have described to me in detail how advanced the instrumentation is today and how safe it is.  Yet as soon as my vision is obscured for a few seconds, my faith goes right out the tiny oval window.

Why is it so hard to move through clouds without anxiety? Our eyes are constantly scanning for evidence that something is about to smash into us. Our ears are zeroing in on any strange noise that might lead to harm. Our noses are sifting through the swirl of smells searching for anything that might be burning.  And all this data is being delivered to our reptilian brains telling our body that everything is OK… or not.

It works the same way with clouds of uncertainty in your job.  As soon as your solid company starts to shapeshift, the reptile inside you goes on high alert. “Am I going to be OK?  Is something burning?  Is something about to smash into me?   Should I run?!”

Here’s the thing… you are NOT a reptile. You are a highly evolved being and the one sense you need to tap into during times of change is your common sense.  You’ve flown through this before, and your experience, talents and instincts are your advanced instruments.

Remember last time?  You came through it, you survived and the next chapter challenged and taught you something that made you stronger. You are an amazing, adaptable person and you’re capable of achieving great things. Don’t let a little bad weather cloud that vision.

What do you know?

We’re surrounded by uncertainty.  It’s a destabilizing force that keeps us on alert, keeps us focused and keeps us from becoming lazily complacent.  In a way, it’s a good thing.  The trick is to NOT let it devolve from destabilizing to debilitating…. to NOT let it paralyze us with fear.  I think I just learned the key to doing this from my brother Jeff.

Wednesday was the scheduled big day, when we would find out if his second round of treatment wiped out the Multiple Myeloma or not.  On Tuesday evening, Jeff published these comments on his Caring Bridge website:

This will be short because I’m sure I’ll have a lot more to say on the 25th.  I will get the results of my restaging tests and receive my official report card on my cancer status.  It will be exactly one year since I received my official diagnosis on this same Wednesday in May, in Dr. Singhal’s office on the 21st floor of Lurie Cancer Center.  Mo and I refer to it as “Club 21.”  It softens the feel of this deadly serious facility where so many cancer patients come from all over the world to seek treatment, hope, and guidance.

I don’t know what the results will be, even though I feel so good and my strength is returning so noticeably.  But here’s what I do know:

• I do know that I am alive today because of the treatments and protocol that I received at this amazing facility.
• I do know that softball saved my life.  Not playing in that game on April 26th, and not getting hurt would have postponed my tests that lead to my diagnosis at a critical point.  In a best case scenario I would have had kidney failure and lived on dialysis the rest of my life.
• I do know that I couldn’t have lived this last year, the way that I have, without the volume of support, prayer, and love from all of you.
• I do knowthat I have the best wife/ best friend in the world, in Ramona!

These things I know!  The news I receive on Wednesday will be another sign post on my journey.  It would be real nice if it was a “keep on truckin” sign with no more hospital rest stops!  If not, I’ll deal with the news like we did last year; methodically, focused, determined and with passion to overcome.

Bless you all!  Jeff & Ramona

So what’s the actual news from Wednesday?  He had a good, but partial, response to the second stem cell transplant.  Jeff has only 10% of the disease compared to this time last year, and there is still a little way to go for complete remission.  His numbers are good but the doctor wants them perfect, which will mean more treatments.

What inspires me the most about Jeff’s list of blessings above is that he lists what he knows for sure, and doesn’t dwell on uncertainty.  He may not yet have the final victory he wants, but he has victory in progress. 

The “passion to overcome” is essential when you’re going round after round in a fight with no set number of rounds.  Keep this truth close to your heart as you take on this uncertain world we live in…  you may not win every round, but you must keep your fighting spirit.

Just keep going – the video

I compete annually in the Toastmasters’ international speech contest. It’s a guaranteed way to raise your game if you speak in front of audiences of any size. My journey this year ended at the district level, but I took away several lessons along the way:

• I set out to do an “important” speech this year. The people who approached me afterwards to thank me for the message confirmed that I achieved this goal.
• The power of the pause – I learned that you can really make a point sink in with an audience if you stop and allow them to internalize what you just said.
• Setting a goal to do your best is better than setting a goal to “win” in a judged contest. Doing your best is something you can control. (All the speakers in this contest were VERY good by the way.)

This speech was really a blog post brought to life… so many of you readers responded to the post Just Keep Going when it first came out, it compelled me to re-live it on stage and share it as broadly as possible.

Click here to watch the 7-minute video  from the Division A contest in Stockton.  Let me know what you think, and if there any other Short Stories with a Point that you would like to hear verbalized in the future. I appreciate your feedback!

The eve of deduction

Well it’s Saturday, May 21 and I’m still here. Therefore A) I do not qualify for heaven, or B) Harold Camping was a little off on his end-of-the-world prediction again. Though I must say he certainly got a lot of people talking and mocking.  I will also add that just because the end of days didn’t happen today, doesn’t mean it’s not coming… only God really knows the timing.

I walked in the dark last night as I put my mind through the logical exercise.  What would I do if I knew for a fact the world would end tomorrow?  What would you do? 

Would you spend your last moments doing something you love with the people you love?  Would you max out your credit cards on a huge party knowing there would be no consequences?  Would you sit on a mountain top and make peace with God in preparation for an afterlife?

Like Sherlock Holmes, I carefully reviewed my life up to now…searching for clues to its meaning. There are so many things I have achieved and learned…. so many people who have positively touched my life. There have been moments of joy and moments of pain; moments of brilliance and moments of stupidity; moments of great courage and distressing moments of fear.

At the end of this memory cavalcade, I came to this conclusion.  Life is not about what you’ve done, it’s about what’s in front of you. There are still things I want to accomplish in this world and I don’t have forever to do them. And since nothing drives action like a due date on the calendar, I need to get specific and get busy right now. 

It’s elementary, my dear Watson.  You should not fear death.  Fear a life not lived.

The fish of 10,000 casts

I’m chasing the sunset on a 737 headed back to San Jose.  I just spent some quality time with my dad and brothers on our annual fishing trip in northern Indiana.  While I thoroughly enjoyed scooting around Lake Webster looking for muskies, I couldn’t shake the feeling of déjà vu.  It’s been exactly a year since my brother Jeff discovered he had Multiple Myeloma.

He drove me to the airport after last year’s fishing trip, and made it back just in time for his company softball game.  He swung hard at a ball and injured his back.  This led to a doctor visit where they discovered his vertebrae was compromised by a lesion on his spinal cord.  We both began a journey… him going through chemotherapy and stem cell transplants; me training for my first marathon to raise money for a cure.

His injury allowed him to catch the cancer early and increase his odds of beating it. He went through 6 months of treatment, then had to do it all over again with a second round.  I made it through the marathon with my own share of rough spots, though it pales in comparison to what Jeff has gone through.

Jeff goes in for his final round of tests tomorrow.  We should hear by May 25 if he is in the clear, or if he is… not.  I am praying, hoping and expecting to hear good news, but if it turns out to be “not,” I’m ready to keep the faith and continue my support as well.

Fighting cancer is like trying to catch a muskie – it’s not easy.  The muskie is called the fish of 10,000 casts, because you literally cast your lure hundreds of times and reel it in hundreds of times.  You test out different lures – red bucktails, spinnerbaits and top walkers.   Eventually you find yourself in the right place at the right time and hit the predator when it’s ready to eat.

I was standing in the boat next to Jeff, his fishing cap pulled down over his recently shaved head.  Each of us cast our lures out in an alternating rhythm to make sure we covered each section of the backwater. It gets to be a real test of faith the longer you try, and you are guaranteed to fail if you stop trying.

MMRF is doing a great job testing and documenting results for thousands of patients, looking for the right combinations of drugs and treatments to nail the predator, and sharing data worldwide so success can be replicated.  Every dollar donated to research puts one more cast into the water, helping to cover the vast lake of the unknown.  If you feel so inclined, put a few dollars to good use by donating here (I send donors special updates on Jeff’s progress.)

Last year Jeff was the only one of our fishing group to NOT get a muskie.  This year he was one of the first to land one.  I’m hoping from the deepest part of my heart that it’s the first of many to come!